“I want to stop determining my value based on what others think of me.”

This is the goal I gave my therapist during our first session last November. I wanted to reach a point where I felt free to speak my mind without being afraid of rejection. To find satisfaction in my videos, podcast, and writings even if no one watched, listened, or read them. To no longer be afraid of sharing my faith, to fear that I’d be rejected wholly for believing in the Christian God.

I’d be lying if I claimed to have succeeded in this goal. I’ve certainly made improvement, finding a satisfaction as a relative nobody on YouTube and the world of social media. I’ve become content with my day job, enjoying it as time away from my hobbies so that I could enjoy working on them all the more as a form of relaxation and relief of stress. I do not wish to be popular on the Internet. Nevertheless, I clearly wish to communicate.

I have a passion for many things, with video games, film, and anime being at the top. Like all human beings, I yearn to find a community with which I can share these thoughts. Unfortunately, by being a creator on YouTube and other such media, I feel an inclination towards other creators, craving to reach out or even be noticed. I desire not just validation of their praise, but a connection to be a part of what I perceive as a community.

Then I sign onto social media, and I am equal parts frustrated, frightened, and exhausted.

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The Christian-American Contradiction was perhaps the easiest time I ever had expressing my religious or political views. However, I also imagined that it would be the least challenged by my imagined readership. Or, to be more precise, the nonexistent readership I’m worried about discovering my website.

Perusing the number of content creators and fellow gamers I follow on Twitter, I see a lot of people of a more liberal, non-Christian persuasion. In College I was constantly being bludgeoned with jokes about how stupid us Christians are. I held my hands out defensively, promising that I wasn’t like those hypocritical Christians. No, really, I was different! So to sit down and write a piece critiquing the most common perception of conservative-Christian bore with it no challenge. The only people I was bound to disappoint were the people at my Church, and I was used to having different opinions from them.

It didn’t give me the courage to speak more freely about my faith, however. I instead continue to be frightened of offending someone with my beliefs. I fear that merely identifying as a Christian is enough to push others away. So I have strived to focus on writing about games and media. To speak positively about the worldly things I love.

But it has not lasted. I feel the two sides of myself twisting like a soaked towel, constricting until all of my delusions and distractions are wrung free from me. I am left with nothing but this conflict between my two identities. I am a gamer, yes, but I am also a Christian. One of these identities should come before the other, and yet frequently it is the world that wins.

I need to reconcile my two selves so that I might move forward with confidence and fearlessness.

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Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;

The First Amendment to the United States Constitution

It may have been seven or eight years ago when I finally realized how strange it was to be singing America the Beautiful during a Church service. I can only imagine it was a byproduct of Post-WWII America that Patriotism and Faith became intertwined, fueling false notions of each founding father being a Christian and forging this nation with the intent of being God’s Country.

There are certainly Christian founding fathers, and a multitude of other historical figures that certainly believed in Christ the sacrificial son of God. However, it is very clear that the founding fathers never intended America to be a theocracy. Before even the freedom of speech or the press are guaranteed, the First Amendment ensures its citizens that never shall the government establish an official religion, nor should any religion be banned.

Yet the Patriotic Church-Goers have tongues tied with accusations of their country being invaded by sinful filth, wrecking America’s good Christian nature. While the history books are already filled with the sinful realities of America’s bloody, prejudiced history, I will not be dwelling on such lessons of fact. I merely wish to focus on the tragedy that these Patriots hail allegiance to a government that demanded they compromise from day one.

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At the start of the summer I wrote part one and part two of what was meant to be a three-part series. I’ve read and enjoy the current draft for the final part, but I’m not entirely certain it conveys the lessons I’ve learned in the months following.

This series became an effort to explain my philosophy, but throughout I could not help but feel the pressure to defend myself. What is there to defend?  Why am I so insistent that this conflict exists between believers and non? In re-reading my first essay I cringed as I carelessly referred to non-Christians as “sinners”.

Within a certain context there’s a logic to the term’s use. Those that believe are “cleansed” by the blood of Christ’s sacrifice. God forgives us of our sins so that we might become worthy to bask in his presence. However, just because a believer has forgiveness does not mean they are free of sin. If anything, sin becomes an even greater plague. Since I’ve increased my Biblical studies I’ve struggled more than ever before to be a better person. To be patient with others, to control what angers me, and to give up sinful habits and tendencies that would ultimately lead to negative behaviors and depression.

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Last time I began the first of several posts regarding the comfort and discomforts of discussing religion with non-Christians. The majority of what I covered in that post revolved around the struggle with Christian Institutions and their often shallow, divisive nature. Not only has the Church encouraged its membership to avoid being a part of the world – counter to Jesus himself – it has only driven some of its deeper thinkers away. It is an irony to me that some of the older gentlemen at my Church refer to me as a “deep thinker”, for the only thing I know is that my ignorance far outweighs my knowledge.

Which leads me to my next point. One of the common themes since this column’s inception has been my fear of seeming ignorant. In some ways this is simply my lack of self-esteem talking. In others, though, I must wonder if it’s a lack of proper Church leadership and teaching.

Speaking with colleagues on the matter, many have expressed a common belief that the Sunday sermon should not be too challenging. If they come to Church and feel bad or guilty after the service, it’s possible they won’t look forward to coming back. If they don’t come back, that’s fewer donations to help keep the Church alive. This is not a claim about Churches being greedy, just an acknowledgment of a very understandable fear: a Church’s livelihood.

I can understand the perspective, but without challenge then you aren’t speaking the word of God. A sermon should challenge but it should not condemn. The pastor should draw from the Bible stories and testimony that cause the audience to ask themselves, on a personal level, how they might be faltering. At the same time we must also be reminded that we, as Christians, are followers of Jesus Christ and not Jesus Christ himself. We are bound to falter. What matters is we try to be better.

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