I don’t think I ever really, truly felt the impact of September 11th, 2001. I remember it, but not clearly as others do. It was the beginning of my junior year of high school. I believe my friends and I were in line in the school gym for class photos and such when one of the gym teachers started to tell everyone that an airplane crashed into the World Trade Center. At some point we were placed in the cafeteria, the televisions playing through the events. I cannot recall whether I was startled by the second airplane or the towers collapsing, or if I even bore witness to either one on the television. The day was almost through before they decided to send everyone home. After all, we were just watching the reports from class to class.

When I went home my parents were already there. My Dad was watching the television intently. We had already discovered that it was a terrorist hijacking, so my father was screaming “Nuke ‘em!” over and over. In a strange turn of events my older brother was telling my father to calm down, that it would be a bad idea (though he came up with his own more environment friendly yet culturally devastating plan later). I don’t remember what I did, but I imagine I went up to my room and played video games as usual.

Each year passed and I never thought much about the anniversary of September 11th. This year had been no different until tonight, when I descended down the stairs to shut off the air conditioning so that I may open my windows and enjoy the cool autumn night air. My father was watching the History Channel where a show called 102 Minutes That Changed America (or The World, I’m not quite certain) came on, followed by I-Witness to 9/11. Both were comprised of footage from civilians with cameras, though the former was much more somber as it featured no interviews with those that grabbed the footage. It was a soft soundtrack in the background with the footage rolling. No words. They weren’t needed, after all. The video captured it all.

I feel shamed that I never genuinely felt the event until tonight. I understand now how the director of Cloverfield was first inspired by this very same camera footage more-so than seeing a Godzilla toy in Japan and wondering where those movies went. I have only visited New York City once, but there is a lot of idealogical thoughts and emotions I have that seem to clash with the very existence of the city and its most vocal of denizens. Yet seeing this footage, hearing the tears and cries from those recording the events, the complete shock and devastation. More so was the onslaught of dust and debris clouds, watching people flee in fear as the unthinkable happened.

I don’t know what the rest of the world thinks of this. I know Europe has been the victim of a lot of terrorist attacks, more than we have, as well as the home of many wars. Looking at the dust and ruins of the World Trade Center all I could think of were old photographs and film footage of European cities turned battleground during World War II, mind thinking back to scenes from Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers. Europe has seen and continues to see such strong attacks to this day. America, meanwhile, has never truly experienced such a severe attack as this. It’s almost as if we were given a taste of what it might be like if missiles (not necessarily of the nuclear variety) were to come our way. The result is a great shock, like when you are descending down the stairs only to suddenly trip and begin falling. The mind goes blank with nothing but the sheer surprise of it. Or more reminiscent for me is the car accident I experienced about two years ago, where my friend and I had just enough time to see the other car coming right at us. Everything seemed to go quiet as my thoughts seemed to simultaneously speak “this is happening” and “I’m about to experience a car accident” in calm tones. Then the impact, the confusion as the world spins and becomes monochrome, and the sudden halt of it all with the smell of smoke and burning everywhere.

This is what September 11th was to the American citizens, and the reactions were about the same. Fear, sadness, uncertainty and anger. The footage captured many reactions, including people demanding blood in turn. It made me think to years later when people were sick to death of Bush and war, and others were demanding the troops return while others burn down mosques and threaten to light fire to the Qu’Ran. Meanwhile America is led by a man who comes off more as a spokesperson like Kevin Butler rather than an actual leader. He speaks well and he certainly tries to make friends with foreign powers, but what has he done to truly help us? I see him spending more money in the name of good and none of it to get the economy flowing. Instead he makes a villain out of invisible rich fat cats, as if they are behind the world’s suffering. Though who is a fat cat these days? Where does the middle class begin and where does it end?

I think to my peers and their ignorance, their foolish leanings to a left side or a right side claiming their grass is greenest when they are too focused on the other lawn to realize everyones infested with weeds. The leaders we are told to vote for aren’t chosen by us or representative of us. They go to school to learn how to argue and persuade, to win a case whether their side is right or wrong. These people then go into politics where they spend every day arguing, every day making our laws all the more convoluted and further from the original purpose. If anything I feel reminded of George R. R. Martin’s books I am reading, the Song of Ice and Fire series where nobles are so far detached from the peasants they don’t even know when they are hated or loved. We love to make victim of capitalist assholes like Bobby Kotick that victimize us using consumer product we don’t need when there are men and women just as bad running our country.

September 11th was wasted on America. It feels like it should have been an event that shouted “Wake up! You are a country of spoiled children! It is time to stand on your feet and become adults!” Instead we merely walked upstairs to our bedrooms and turned the video games on.

If only I could be ignorant as my niece, a child again whose world is so small that such events mean little. I play my games for many reasons, one of them to escape. Sometimes I absorb myself in them simply because I feel so powerless to truly change events in the world. Yet my beliefs as a Christian also tell me that my concern should not be that of the world in a larger sense. Yes, I know many others will try and change all homosexuals or Atheists or what not, but that is not what I interpreted from the New Testament. I found a book that said to let the world do what it does best, and that by being a good person you will affect those around you.

Maybe it isn’t the world I should be worried about, but my friends and family. And maybe my shame is the first step to having that affect. September 11th happened, and it was a tragedy. Remember it today, remember it tomorrow, and remember it forever. We may be powerless against the free wills of powerful men, but I’d rather fight like a willful man than be stuck in my room, isolated from the world doing nothing but playing video games. I want to stand proud with no care for Left or Right wings. I want to be a patriot that can say “I’m proud of America and its citizens”.

I want to be united with those I care about, and if I can manage that much then September 11th will have succeeded in making an adult out of me.