At the start of the summer I wrote part one and part two of what was meant to be a three-part series. I’ve read and enjoy the current draft for the final part, but I’m not entirely certain it conveys the lessons I’ve learned in the months following.

This series became an effort to explain my philosophy, but throughout I could not help but feel the pressure to defend myself. What is there to defend?  Why am I so insistent that this conflict exists between believers and non? In re-reading my first essay I cringed as I carelessly referred to non-Christians as “sinners”.

Within a certain context there’s a logic to the term’s use. Those that believe are “cleansed” by the blood of Christ’s sacrifice. God forgives us of our sins so that we might become worthy to bask in his presence. However, just because a believer has forgiveness does not mean they are free of sin. If anything, sin becomes an even greater plague. Since I’ve increased my Biblical studies I’ve struggled more than ever before to be a better person. To be patient with others, to control what angers me, and to give up sinful habits and tendencies that would ultimately lead to negative behaviors and depression.

Let me reference foul language as a simple example. I once wore my use of red-lettered tongue lashings as a badge of honor, a mark of being from Southern New Jersey or the Greater Area of Philadelphia. A series of events have caused me to refrain from cursing so casually, which means I am aware of every slip of the tongue. I no longer curse casually, so much so that I could not tally the violations. Every utterance now sets off an alarm, like the curse jar machine from Demolition Man.

The benefit to this is that I don’t slip up in front of my nieces and nephew or around my friend Steven’s sons. Whereas before I might accidentally let loose a foul word, I now have the appropriately clean lexicon for their presence. I cannot help but feel proud of this, as I no longer feel like a hypocrite telling a child not to use such words themselves. There is no “do as I say, not as I do”. If the words are bad, why does being an adult suddenly make them okay to say? If I don’t want children saying such words then neither should I. That I’m able to be a living example to them fills my heart with a bit of warmth.

Rewind to the month of June, when I first started this blog, and I’d now feel the need to defend myself. Does this pride in myself for adjusting my language impact how I view those who choose to cuss?

Well… yes and no. Back in June I’d be in a hurry to assure any potential readers who use foul language – probably the whole of you – that I do not think any less of you for it. Which is true! I mean, I recently wrote about Deadpool 2 and the language in that film is as filthy as they come.

If I’m uncomfortable with anyone saying such things it is usually when I’m around other believers. In my mind, the New Testament clearly has higher expectations of those that believe in Christ to “be better”.

Ah ha! There’s that knee jerk reaction to defend myself again! “What do you mean ‘be better’?” Well, I’m sure anyone following a faith with moral guidelines would assume the behaviors outlined in their religious texts are of a higher standard. It’s an inescapable aspect of how faith adjusts your perspective. My fear is not a fear of being misunderstood, but a fear that others will assume I’m no different than those whose faith is grounds for hatred.

This is what makes this journey so difficult. Be it as a mediator, a teacher, or a philosopher, I want to represent an aspect of this belief that is peaceful and loving. My zealotry was founded not by hatred, but by the familiar feeling of having discovered something magnificent and yearning to express it. In some ways it was a newfound sense of purpose. In others it was a joyful compulsion of duty. Still in more it was a deep longing to just unleash a series of thoughts kept buried within myself for a long time.

Ah, but there’s the rub. Even when it comes to unimportant matters like games, film, and anime, I’m gripped by fear in sharing my opinions. I fear judgment, and likewise I fear that others will feel judged by me.

As the year has passed my zealotry has calmed down and I am fighting to regain control of my anxieties and depressions. It’s been trialsome, as last summer’s existential crises – which I should perhaps eventually get around to writing about in further detail – effectively stripped me of any shred of confidence real or imagined. I try to believe something I created is good, but never-ending questions creep in to cause doubt and faithlessness.

It is during such trials that faith and religion can help, but only if you can feel assured in being on the right path. In Acts 5, verses 17 through 42, Peter, John, and several other apostles were arrested and then beaten for speaking of Jesus Christ and his resurrection. Rather than despair and ask God why such pain would be inflicted upon them, they rejoiced at being worthy enough to suffer for his mission.

Throughout the book of Acts we can see many examples of arrests and executions of those that spoke of Jesus Christ, their words often twisted and misunderstood or their motives misinterpreted to the Roman officials. Jesus had warned the Apostles that such things would happen, but he also commanded not to fear that which “destroys the body”.

The Apostles all knew they were fulfilling their duty, and by speaking peacefully their message continued to spread. They never eliminated other methods of thinking. Even if they sought to, Jesus Christ himself confessed such a thing was impossible. Christianity is a faith that professes a better way of life and living, but predicts such ideas will be unpopular before encouraging its followers to be willing to die for it. No, you do not ride into battle. You do not take as many non-believers with you as you can. You simply speak your interpretation of truth, and if others condemn you then so be it.

I’ve recently asked a question of allegedly God-believing politicians: do you fear the loss of your station more than you fear the wrath of God? I imagine the majority of self-proclaimed politicians – and anyone in a leadership position – would fear their position more than God’s judgment.

Oh snap! What if the politician isn’t a Christian?! Do I have to defend myself again?

No, not really. While the question may reveal personal beliefs and philosophies, it is holding a specific subset of politicians to a higher standard. I ask the question of Christian politicians because their faith should guide their hearts to be less worldly.

Let’s turn the question on myself, then. Do I fear God’s wrath more than I fear the loss of my “station”? Well, I most certainly don’t have much of a station, but my fear has not been of God. I’ve felt anxious about sharing my beliefs because I’ve been afraid that it will prevent me from gaining a larger audience.

This fear is not exclusive to professions of faith. I’ve agonized over what I would write or how, and it has in fact been keeping me from properly progressing in my Rise of the Tomb Raider script. Rather than feel the freedom to express myself joyously, I’m instead concerned that I’ll say something that shall drive people away.

I may not fear my station, but I certainly fear the potential growth of my reputation. I need to turn my heart to God not only to rid myself of fear in professing my faith, but in fear of professing myself.

As I write this, I’m starting to feel some of that fear ebbing away. I’ve enjoyed writing this. I’ve enjoyed combing back through to modify my draft, correcting and improving upon it. I’m feeling encouraged to more freely speak my mind.

Which means there may be some changes forthcoming. I’ve avoided “being political” for a while for two reasons. The first is I’ve come to feel differently than the teetering edge of GamerGate I stood upon a some years ago. There are several matters where I’ve come to side with those I once stood against. At the same time, I am still a right-leaning moderate and there are some views I refuse to endorse as my own. More than anything else, though, I am driven mad and struck with fear by the aggressive, hate-filled attitudes out there.

This isn’t about “both sides being bad in different ways”. It’s about bad attitudes, period. I’m not going to suddenly start criticizing those attitudes, however. I’m not aiming to criticize anyone. I don’t want to leap into arguments with other people.

All I am changing is the avoidance of touching on select subjects. This is, after all, a place for my opinion. I refuse to be intimidated by demands that my thoughts or beliefs adhere to a predefined list of political ideas, or to avoid engaging in those ideas wholesale. I refuse to fear being pushed into one population or the other.

For now, at least. Moods have shifted with ease in the past, after all. Nonetheless, while the greatest impact of this will likely be more frequent updates of this Sunday Studies column, you may see me touch on topics I’ve thus far been avoiding.

What I pray is that, regardless of whether you come to agree or disagree with my opinions on certain matters, you’ll recognize the good spirit in which I put them forward. I’ve been striving to open my mind for a variety of reasons over the years, but the greatest has been the compassion taught by Christ. It is because of my faith that I wish to better understand the feelings of others. However, my faith has also painted a definitive line in the sand on certain matters. None of them should be offensive, but anger is the favored emotion of the era. All I can promise is largely the same kind of content, but occasionally I may voice my thoughts on something currently in the spectrum of controversy.

For those of you that have thus far followed me on this journey, I thank you. For those that shall continue to walk with me and lend an ear, I am and shall be indebted to you.