“I want to stop determining my value based on what others think of me.”

This is the goal I gave my therapist during our first session last November. I wanted to reach a point where I felt free to speak my mind without being afraid of rejection. To find satisfaction in my videos, podcast, and writings even if no one watched, listened, or read them. To no longer be afraid of sharing my faith, to fear that I’d be rejected wholly for believing in the Christian God.

I’d be lying if I claimed to have succeeded in this goal. I’ve certainly made improvement, finding a satisfaction as a relative nobody on YouTube and the world of social media. I’ve become content with my day job, enjoying it as time away from my hobbies so that I could enjoy working on them all the more as a form of relaxation and relief of stress. I do not wish to be popular on the Internet. Nevertheless, I clearly wish to communicate.

I have a passion for many things, with video games, film, and anime being at the top. Like all human beings, I yearn to find a community with which I can share these thoughts. Unfortunately, by being a creator on YouTube and other such media, I feel an inclination towards other creators, craving to reach out or even be noticed. I desire not just validation of their praise, but a connection to be a part of what I perceive as a community.

Then I sign onto social media, and I am equal parts frustrated, frightened, and exhausted.

There have been many complaints of Twitter’s recent desktop update, opting for a user interface that seems minimalist and clean. However, it calls attention to nothing, relying on the amount of screen real-estate the timeline occupies in the center of the browser window to draw your attention there. It’s a pretty poor interface that looks tidy but accomplishes nothing, but any user can simply adapt to it over time. Complaining about Facebook’s latest interface change used to be a regular ritual. Yet every time, the users adjusted, sticking with the platform despite growing displeasure with it.

That is not my problem with the latest Twitter update. In the prior desktop interface, I was able to hide the content liked or replied to by those I followed. In other words, the only content on my timeline were the actual tweets or retweets of those I wanted to see. If I was not a fan of a common user retweeted by one of the people I followed, I could block that account.

The new Twitter does not permit this. If anything, my timeline is populated by more people I do not follow than those that I do. In truth, I don’t even understand what purpose this serves aside from encouraging conflict. Hoping to increase eyes on promotions by forcing people to dog pile on inflammatory or controversial accounts, desperate to check every new notification in order to angrily mash their thumbs against their smartphone touch screen. Someone is wrong on the Internet, and they must be corrected at this moment!

In 2018, Shamus Young wrote a blog post describing the mechanics of Twitter. I never thought it could get any worse than the manner in which snark, derision, and dehumanization of those you disagree with has already been rewarded than it was at its base. Now, however, it’s as if Twitter wants to make sure you cannot remove the incendiary. To try and mute all the potentially controversial topics would require words so broad you’d likely mute the majority of innocent content as well. If you wish to ignore the gun control debate, for example, you may be forced to use words that could be describing someone’s tweets about game mechanics in DOOM Eternal or The Division 2.

Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch, but hopefully you understand what I’m trying to say. Being too specific with muted terms risks seeing posts about content you’d rather not see anyway, yet being too broad throws the baby out with the bathwater.

I’ve been determined not to take part in these debates for a variety of reasons. The first is due to how dangerously close I swung to being a GamerGater five-to-six years ago, and how those thoughts and feelings do not reflect my current philosophy. Who is to say that my thoughts today will reflect who I am and what I believe when I’m forty? The second is that, due to my stance on certain subjects, I’ve assumed myself to be a Right-leaning-moderate politically. I do not know why, but somehow I am surrounded online by those that lean Left. There are some that follow me whose speech indicates the desired eradication of all Right-leaning political thought. Add on to the fact that I am a Christian, and I no longer trust that I can speak my mind without others assuming additional beliefs about me, and therefore rejecting my very being.

So I become frustrated. I see the same awful news stories everyone else sees, but I do not refrain from speaking about them in order to shove my head into the sand. I instead refuse to engage because I see nothing but vitriol, filth, and disdain by those arguing. I sit here, wanting to express my frustrations in writing, fingers tapping on the keyboard while the Google doc sits blank. I grind my teeth as a maelstrom of thoughts storm my mind, incapable of arranging themselves into anything more than an emotional rant. I’m tired of being afraid to speak, yet I fail to speak because I’m still afraid of that rejection. I still yearn to be a part of that greater community, even though that community continues to frustrate me with what looks like an addiction to conflict.

It was my Sunday School class this morning in which I was suddenly struck with clarity. We had been progressing through Paul’s letters of Timothy, and today we concluded with this verse.

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

2 Timothy 2:22-26, ESV

The specific context of this passage was in regards to conflicts within the Church. Paul was trying to advise Timothy of how to deal with those that would use God and congregation for personal glory. Debates would be held over the meaning of scripture, and often the purpose would be missed as everyone would yearn to be correct.

Though the passage was written within a specific context, I feel that its words are just as applicable to any and all conflicts within our world. At the core of Christianity is a God that came down as a human being so that there could be one perfect lamb to be sacrificed for all of our sins. A gift of blood so that salvation could be possible. We were made out of love, and God saved us out of love. It only follows that conflict should be handled with love, and it is in this manner that Paul advises Timothy to deal with those that would argue with him. Not to be angry, not to demean, not to respond with demands or loud volume. Timothy is to be kind, and to even patiently endure evil.

A fascinating sentiment, and one that I would like to begin understanding. I do not think it means to tolerate evil, though it feels like there’s not much difference between tolerating and enduring. Regardless, this passage would begin a day in which my Pastor would preach two sermons that would embolden me to speak more freely about my faith. To find the courage to share the philosophy that has helped me these past several years despite that fear of rejection.

I’ve been trying to discuss video games, anime, and film without factoring my religion into it; to make it “more palatable” to a broader audience. In truth, my faith is just as much a passion of mine as my love of art and creation. The book of Genesis does not begin with God’s immense being of who he was, it began with his very first act to create something. Humans are not physically made in God’s image, but emotionally, intellectually, and philosophically, albeit limited by our physical nature. If there is anything that exemplifies this tie with our own creator, it is the ability to create. Just as we are designed in God’s image, we often create worlds that reflect the different aspects of ourselves.

Is this why I find games, anime, and film so fascinating? Honestly, no, it is not the core reason. I like these things because I like these things, though that connection certainly helps that passion burn all the brighter. It is to that end that I occasionally find myself making those connections between my media and the philosophies I love. I briefly and barely touched on elements of it with my Rise of the Tomb Raider analysis, and desperately wanted to make connections when I was passionately describing what makes Final Fantasy IX so special. My faith is rooted deeply in who I am, and that includes how I perceive world problems.

Which rewinds me back to an earlier statement. I’ve viewed myself as being Right-of-center, but in truth that is not accurate. It is more accurate to say that I am Christian, and political labels are pointless to me. I may have some values that run parallel to Conservative values due to how the party has been shaped over the past century, but the reasons may not be the same. I also spend enough time with other Conservatives to know that I do not like much of their reasoning or their stances, either.

In truth, my fear of rejection is purely based in people finding out that, yes, I believe in the Christian God, and that some of my values are determined by those beliefs. However, it is precisely those beliefs that has driven me to be so frustrated by the conflict I see on social media. The snark and the dehumanization. The complete dismissal and disrespect of another’s humanity in order to elevate yourself above them. To declare them a monster, an idiot, a terrorist, or even a sinner, all so that you might make yourself out to be better.

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

What separates the Kyoto Animation arson massacre and the recent El Paso Shooting are nothing more than variables. Choice of weapon, specific motivation of the attacker, and number of victims. You can debate gun laws all you want, but you won’t solve the inherent problem: sin. All human beings are capable of these awful actions. You have the capacity to command and oversee atrocities as awful as Adolf Hitler, a very human man that has been transformed into a mere cartoon caricature than Cobra Commander or Megatron.

These are unpopular opinions, but it speaks to the truth far better than any notion that more strict gun control or improved mental health services could help prevent such heinous crimes. While I certainly have thoughts and feelings regarding both of those matters, and I also understand that the goal is to try and reduce the frequency in which these tragedies occur, the reality is that they will never stop so long as mankind carries the disease of sin.

Perhaps this seems as if I am making light of the above tragedies referenced. I assure you, each incident fills my heart with pain. However, I no longer care if my base philosophy offends anyone. The truth of the matter is that social media does nothing but celebrate hatred. It does nothing but reward anger, insult, and division. America’s addiction has become a tool for the Russian government to divide the country and keep us too focused on proving others wrong.

This does not mean I’ll suddenly begin to throw my hat into these debates. I honestly don’t know what it means, other than feeling relieved to finally speak so honestly about how I feel. Perhaps I’ll go into further detail what I mean regarding all of mankind being sinful. I’d love to, honestly, and have only feared doing so because I’ve feared rejection of my thoughts.

Yet it is a very foolish thing to be afraid to lose those that would choose conflict, anger, and derision. If people truly believe in discourse and understanding, and if they truly respect me and my intelligence, then I should have enough trust that they’ll listen to what I have to say. If they reject me based on superficial means, then did they ever really respect me?

Granted, that assumes anyone will bother reading this anyway. Nonetheless, I feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders as I type this. I’ve spoken of my faith in the past, but not like this. If I am to be shunned for it, then so be it. I will still make my videos, I will still record my podcasts, and I will still update this blog.

I will still post it all onto Twitter, even if my followers and those I follow fall to the single digits. For I shall no longer determine my value based on the opinions of others.