So my fun little attempt at creativity didn’t really delve into much detail about what is wrong with Left 4 Dead 2. I merely tried to figure out in what universe did this game’s premature release make sense.

To understand what makes Left 4 Dead 2 such a faulty product you must first understand what makes the original title so special. Leading up to its release the key features of Left 4 Dead were the A.I. director and the focus on teamwork. While the A.I. director had proven to be an over-rated piece of technology that didn’t really change each game experience as advertised, the focus on teamwork pushed the title beyond its competitors.

Nearly every major design element had pushed the idea of working together forward. Every special infected had somehow managed to emphasize just how important it was that everyone keep close. The Smoker dragged helpless victims away from the group, the Hunter pounced anyone already isolated, and the Boomer was like a ticking time bomb ready to summon more of its ilk to the players. Shoot it while it is near your friends and they’ll get drenched. The bile blurs vision and makes friendly fire a huge possibility. Generally, the Boomer makes players a threat to each other by merely existing. The Witch is of a similar thesis, only anyone that triggers her must then rely on the protection of their teammates to possibly survive. In order for anyone to survive a Tank they must all work together.

Each of these special infected play a unique role and are scattered about just enough to be effective, but not to be annoying. They merely make the experience tense and can easily cause everything to go wrong during a siege of undead. In order to remain victorious and see each campaign to the end the players must use similar teamwork and tactics. Players may move forward slowly, but they are always reminded to keep on the move lest a horde show up to their location.

One can argue that Left 4 Dead 2 accomplishes this same task, but it certainly does not focus on the goal. Valve had sought to add more special infected, but there was no thought as to how it furthered the purpose of “teamwork oriented co-op”. While each of the original special infected all have a specific purpose and strategy, the new ones are merely included for the sake of having more. Or perhaps I should say moar.

The Jockey is a perfect example. It disorients and confuses a player, dragging them back and forth. It is no more than a mobile Hunter. However, the purpose of the Hunter is to punish those that have wandered off on their own, or perhaps take advantage of someone in the midst of chaos. All a Jockey does is create chaos. Hopping on someone’s shoulders still allows them to retain a level of control, just not as much. Their teammates must also now shoot at a moving object. The goal of teamwork is not in any way encouraged, but more “how can we make the Hunter ‘worse’”?

The Spitter behaves in a similar manner to a Smoker and Boomer, only her acid does nothing more than create damage. The idea is that players will spread apart, but the natural inclination is for everyone to run backward. The group’s progress has merely been delayed by the ugliest and perhaps dumbest looking infected ever created. Teamwork is neither encouraged nor is it hindered.

Finally is the Charger, who does a better job of splitting everyone up than the Spitter at least. With careful placement this special infected could be less of a problem, but because he spawns anywhere he is just a weaker yet still frustrating variation of Tank. It is easy to avoid him, but even if you are caught the principle is the same. Wait for the team to whittle him down. The developers should have instead focused on placing him at certain parts of each map just as they do the Tank and Witch.

None of these new special infected punish isolation, nor do they create it effectively. They merely are, and in great quantities. It seems that by adding more special infected the A.I. director has chosen to also spawn them more frequently, meaning you can hardly walk for a single minute before gunning down another Jockey headed your way. This is most frustrating during moments that trigger hordes and special infected spawns increase. Frequently you may run into two or even three of the same creature in a row (there was once a time my friends and I had to deal with two Chargers at once, and after killing one a third showed up. The same has occurred with Jockeys and even Hunters as well).

Perhaps if the spawn rate were kept the same these new infected wouldn’t seem as such a nuisance. However their inclusion also seemed to mean there simply had to be more special infected on the map at any given time, and what was once a challenge has transformed into a nuisance. At the same time, the old Hunter actually feels out of place, or at the very least with the environment. Left 4 Dead 2 is of a very different set of colors and mostly during the day, while the Hunter is colored for a dark urban environment. His camouflage has transformed into a stark contrast, making him easy to spot and thus less harmful.

The Special Infected are not the only victims of the debilitating moar virus. In a rush to simply stuff moar content into the game Valve decided moar items were needed. Instead of merely having pain pills and health kits players needed adrenaline and defibrillators as well. At first I was curious about the adrenaline and even thought it might prove useful, but in the long run it was worthless compared to the pain pills. It may increase the speed at which a player performs for a brief amount of time, but pain pills artificially inflate one’s health for an even greater period of time restoring the player to normal walking speed. In a pinch they are more valuable, and if a rational player were forced to choose between adrenaline and pain pills the choice would be simple. The only reason to choose adrenaline is for achievements and the event that there are no pain pills to grab in their place.

As for the defibrillator, it’s a useful item in theory and there are times it comes in handy. However, it will depend on what sort of player you and your friends are. If you are intelligent and save your health kit until you’ve been knocked down three times, shifting the world to black and white and notifying that the next time you are knocked down you will die, then you will be holding onto it for a long time. No one will have room for a spare defibrillator, and the only chance they will die is if they happen to irk the Witch or Tank a little too much. Even then, the other players may as well hope there is a spare defibrillator around. If not, well, tough luck friend, see you at the next closet.

Now, the argument here can be the point of the items is to make a player wonder which is more valuable. Defibrillators are less common than health kits (which are rare enough), and in a tough spot can bring someone back to life. However, players will be brought back to life in some fashion no matter what (unless you’re in the finale, where the only chance of bringing someone back is to also have some adrenaline in order to increase recovery speed. Even so, the chances of having just the right equipment and having just enough time is so improbable it’s more worth while to have the med kit and pain pills).

The biggest change of all is actually in the game’s pacing. While the faster rate of special infected spawns certainly creates a rushed feeling of run-and-gun, this concept is only pushed further in many of the horde triggers and finales. It wasn’t enough that Left 4 Dead 2 merely have moar maps, but they must also have grander finales and horde triggers. Press one button and suddenly everyone is running down alleyways to get to another button, needing to hack and slash or blast away all the infected charging at them. My absolute favorite being Dark Carnival, where the smallest nudge from an infected or tug from a special pull you off the path and force you to go back and do it again.

While these seemed like great ideas on paper, the final execution challenged the “teamwork” focus set forth by the original game. If a friend behind you is knocked down, going back to help him will only put you at risk of getting knocked down as well. The infected will merely amass around your location and soon two will be dragged down instead of one. Instead of leaving no man behind it is much better to leave someone on the ground to pistol what enemies they can providing a distraction. While this can be viewed as a different form of teamwork, the original intent was to survive. No one was actually intended to be left for dead (lol see wut i did thar?).

Add to this the still questionable logic in having you slow down as infected slash at you from behind. I don’t know how the developers of the entire franchise came to this conclusion, but any time someone swiped at me from behind I stumbled forward. If you are going to force players to rush forward then the attackers that come from behind should not slow their progress. It was annoying before but now it is a shameful oversight.

The only addition in this game to really turn out unquestionably useful was the new weapons. A lot of the new guns are great, especially the assault rifles. Even the Boomer Bile is effective when combined with molotovs or gas tanks. The only problem would be with the incredibly numerous melee weapons, littered everywhere while seeming to reduce the number of ammunition spawns. While the melee weapons always being a one-hit kill is certainly nice, it also puts players at risk of taking more damage. However, the pistols were primarily useful in knocking down casual numbers of zombies one by one in the original game. This purpose is nonexistent in the second title due to the moar virus and emphasis on run-and-gun gameplay. Each level has moar zombies in it, more situations where the powerful guns are needed and plenty of situations where a melee weapon to hack at surrounding mobs is simply more useful. Thus the pistols, while worth plenty in the first game, have been made worthless in the second.

Valve claimed that Left 4 Dead 2 would be a full sequel and be worth the full price. I call bullshit. Not just because it’s a flawed game, but because it isn’t done. There are balance issues caused by the insanely huge number of enemy spawns (two to three Chargers or Jockeys at a time). Certain items needed to be changed or removed because they prove worthless most of the time (adrenaline). The only actual addition to the game to enhance the experience were the weapons (and mobile Witches. That was actually an awesome touch). This is nothing to say of A.I. that somehow became so lobotomized that they confuse safe room doors and brick walls almost regularly (it happens all the time).

Of course, including new game modes was another excuse Valve gave to justify its price tag, but that is a complete joke. Realism is not a “new game mode”, it’s a hack to turn a few key variables off. Any jerk could have released a mod like that for the first Left 4 Dead as soon as the appropriate kit hit the Internet. As for salvage, it takes a bit more work, certainly, but you basically take a chunk of code from one map’s finale and turn it into a versus game mode. That’s not exactly all too tricky either. Nor do I know of anyone that spends any time on it.

I don’t know what Valve was thinking with this product. The reason I posted the mock-drama centered around a Gabe Newell frustrated with demands of Episode 3 is because that was the only way it made sense. This game is a perfect example of why you need so much time to develop games. Not only in fundamental design and balance issues, but in the simple fact that no one noticed the A.I. was running into brick walls instead of the safe room! Then they dared to charge $60 for it.

Like a sucker we all fell for it. Even if you waited until Black Friday or some other sale for the game, Valve and the rest of the industry still sees those sales numbers as the ability to release an incomplete title for $60. Left 4 Dead 2 is a half-assed project and the only reason it didn’t score so low is because there are so many lips planted onto Valve’s ass that the only sin they’ve ever committed is not releasing Episode 3.

This is precisely the sort of thing to make me wonder why I even bother being a gamer.

Read the fake negatives entry

Read the positive impressions

Complain about how Gabe Newell’s awesome and the game is allegedly better on PC because you suck with a controller here