Despite the absence of the new video within November, it is within days of release. I had originally hoped to have it published on the morning of December 1st, but I find myself forced to catch up on everything else that fell by the wayside the past two weeks. After finally finishing the script I began devoting what time I could to audio and video work, but sadly there are other obligations I must tend to in that time.

I’ll have more particular thoughts about the video itself when I post it, but rest assured that I have not grown to hate it during the editing process. While a part of me is just glad to be getting it out of the door, I think in hindsight it might be a video I can enjoy returning to. Which, fortunately, I can say about the majority of the videos I’ve made, even though I often contemplate where I could have improved upon them.

Nevertheless, it was also a video created under much concern and worry over how others would respond. To that end I already feel regret at many of the things I could have done, which creates apprehension regarding its success.

I’ve lost sight of why I wanted to make RamblePak64 in the first place. I owe it to both my therapy and Church attendance for helping me confront my values and goals in life for understanding better what drives me. Yes, a lot of it has to do with approval and validation. It’s easy to get so focused on viewership numbers and subscriber counts when your self-worth is determined by the number of people that care about your existence.

To say that I created the channel purely for selfish success is inaccurate, however. I also did it because I felt a new way to reach out and be part of a greater conversation. I wasn’t the only one that yearned to dig deeper into games. I found others that wanted to do the same, and seeing that many of them were PC focused I felt a purpose in bringing my console-focused perspective in.

I don’t think I ever realized how much work was required, though, and I continued to try and juggle so many projects at once. I tried to be a one-man multimedia brand rather than building up to that point. As such, my growth was slower than the rest of YouTube, and now the expectation is to have technically savvy videos that I currently cannot create.

Even then, when I look back at what I created, I honestly do not think I did things correctly. I was awful at managing audio levels. I insisted on having bad jokes. I experimented in ways I never should have, expecting the audience to just expect clearly amateur work.

In a lot of ways I want to create a playlist that separates that earlier work, but at the same time I need that earlier work to remind me of what I was trying to do in the first place. Rather than try to fit into what “is popular” on YouTube, I want to simply contribute to the conversation in my own unique way.

So what does that mean? Well, for starters, no longer being afraid of going “too in-depth”. Which isn’t to say I want to return to astronomically large videos, either. Resident Evil VI was a lot of work and Aliens: Colonial Marines needed some major editing. However, when I look over my notes for Rise of the Tomb Raider, I realize I could have argued my major points a lot better had I not been so worried about boring my audience.

Simultaneously, I’d have also had a better script if I looked back on my notes and reviewed gameplay and cut-scenes. It’s such an obvious step that I cannot believe I’ve never done before. One of my greatest problems has been with misquoting the game or misunderstanding what was said in hindsight, and it would all be cleared up if I just went back and reviewed the video.

Fortunately I’ll have a “second chance” in some ways when I return to Shadow of the Tomb Raider next year. First, however, I want to decide on my next project. My passion for doing Final Fantasy VI next has sadly waned a bit, giving way to a desire to revisit Breath of the Wild. At the same time, I’d certainly love to finally get Halo: Combat Evolved out of the way.

I feel no rush to decide, however. While I’d ideally have begun recording footage once the script was finalized, I am feeling the desire to relax for a bit and just enjoy games for a time. I’ll be posting my Darksiders 2 essays starting next Wednesday and perhaps one more Ramblings column, but otherwise I’m going to take a break from posting on the website as I approach the holidays and MAGFest.

I’d like to begin posting regularly again by mid-to-late January, and hopefully I’ll have a whole stack of essays that will have me good for weeks as opposed to rushing a new post that weekend at the coffee shop. Regardless, I know precisely what I want to make with each video. A focus on gameplay and story, with Breath of the Wild perhaps being the most focused and simple. I’ll juggle between all three in December, seeing which manages to dig its hooks in me, and decide by the end of the month.

Tomorrow will be a new Eh! Steve!, and with luck and fortune the new RamblePak64 will release Sunday or Monday morning. I still have some hours of work left, but no more than a few days worth.

I look forward to December’s update, and I hope you look forward to new content in 2019.