"Whaddaya mean yer not done yet?!"

So I’ve clearly not met my self-imposed deadline of releasing a video in October. As of this writing, I’ve not even finished the script for it.

I wish I could say with certainty that it will be out in November, but at this point I do not wish to make any further promises. As I’ve noted in the past, I do not make exclusively videos. I enjoy writing essays for this website, and I think without them I would actually go a bit nutty. This means a lot of my time spent on writing is spent on writing other things. What hasn’t particularly helped this month are the amount of games I’ve also been playing, as well as the erratic and unsteady state of my mental health.

I’ve certainly become sodden with guilt for this lengthy creation of the video. For many reasons I’ve focused my attention on playing a variety of games in October, not all of which were necessary to complete within the span of the month. In fact, there was no proper deadline for any of them. I am actually certain to have Game Log content until December at this rate. So why not focus on what’s more important?

For starters, banging my head against the wall to try and forge a script did nothing but kill my confidence. It was only thanks to the delay and hesitation that I finally stumbled upon a new direction to take the video, plowing through the early obstacles preventing me from believing in my work.

I suppose having a very, very small audience gives me the privilege of not forcing inspiration. It is true that I want my channel and website to grow bigger, and in order to do that I need to practice having regular content available. However, I do not have a horde of people clamoring at my social media accounts demanding that I update at their convenience.

This allows me to work at inspiration’s pace rather than trying to force myself to make something I do not entirely believe in. I’ve done that enough times already. My entire back catalog is a series of scripts and concepts that I wish I could have done better. By refusing to push on beyond what I know doesn’t work, I was forced to examine the situation from a new angle and reconsider what it is I wanted to say about Rise of the Tomb Raider.

Unfortunately, it took me several weeks to figure out what that was. I’ve since worked past that point, but working the script to completion has presented its own problems. This is in part due to physical health. Certain kinds of illness just immediately crush my ability to coherently put thoughts and words together, and I suffered just such an illness last week.

The more honest reality is that my mental health has been consistently questionable. Only once have I felt properly elated, the weekend before I had gotten sick and which developed last week’s drafts. You’ll notice there has been no Silver Screenings this week, and rather than a new Game Log you’re getting this update. This is not only due to my health damaging my eagerness and ability to write, it is the byproduct of my mental health tearing through any progress made by my weekend of ecstatic productivity.

I’ve finally got myself going to a behavioral therapist, however, and will be doing so regularly. This should help me further get my life under control, and perhaps alleviate some of the self-imposed pressures I put on myself.

With that said, I do not expect this script to require much in the way of redrafts. This is not going to be like Iconoclasts, where I repeatedly rewrote whole chunks over and over. I’ve decided to stick first to the notion of “who is Lara Croft”, and from there jump into how Rise of the Tomb Raider chose to evolve the character. Shadow of the Tomb Raider will not factor into this video, but I’m hoping to take its New Game Plus for a spin next year for a follow-up video.

I spoke greatly of my future plans last update. There’s no need to retread that old ground. Once I’ve finished the script for Rise of the Tomb Raider I’ll begin recording footage of Final Fantasy VI from the SNES Classic – not the ideal translation, but the best I can manage legally – with the desire to figure out the intent behind its design, its flaws and failures, and how the story, characters, and world managed to push it into the cherished memories of so many. It’s going to be one of my biggest projects in a long time, and I would not expect it any earlier than February of 2019.

Which, if we’re honest with each other, is still going to be a better record for me than I’ve had in years. This has always been the hardest time of year for me to get motivated and work on a video. I don’t know why, as I’m not consistently depressed during this seasonal change. I’m motivated enough to continue updating the website as well. My greatest guess is that it’s the easiest time to simply get lost in the escapism of games, or perhaps it’s the pressure of these huge, time consuming video projects failing to climb in views and popularity getting to me.

Regardless, I shall try and reduce the amount of time spent gaming versus writing in November. There should theoretically be fewer games vying for my attention, but given that I’m back on the Destiny 2 train I may find myself chasing its exotic dragons and promises of higher light. There’s still content to see, but I do certainly feel as if the grind is becoming all the more tedious. How I long for the days of the simplistic reliability of Left 4 Dead, the Firefight mode of Halo: Reach, and the Horde mode of Gears of War 2.

The greatest casualty this month is, I think, Darksiders 2. In order to increase the rate in which I burn through “the backlog” and prepare myself for Darksiders 3, I chose not to work on a video for the series. Having completed the first two games of the franchise I must confess they’d make for a better video than Rise of the Tomb Raider. Indeed, I might have even swapped priorities had I recorded footage of the works of Vigil Studios. Alas, recording footage is an activity I’m limited to at certain times of the day, and so to expedite my playthrough I chose instead to simply play through both at my leisure.

I may revisit Darksiders 2 for the YouTube channel, but not any time soon. I have too many other games I enjoy playing or haven’t visited in a while that I’d much rather focus on. The only shame is that Darksiders itself, a game I enjoy greatly and would more than gladly return to, is also one in which I don’t have all that much to say. At the very least, you can look forward to plenty of Game Log essays on Darksiders 2 once I’ve finished my thoughts on Shadow of the Tomb Raider.

I apologize for the consistent delay in producing my Rise of the Tomb Raider video, and desperately hope that producing essays and the Eh! Steve! podcast help alleviate some of the frustration from any faithful followers. My crippling self-esteem may doubt your existence, but there are always people delighted to see a new video from me. I hope to have a new video for you soon, and that a more consistent return in 2018 will give way to a more faithful update schedule in 2019.