Back in January my Pastor invited me to participate in a book study. I had only attended the Church a few times, and having him not just show up on my doorstep one day but send me a text out of the blue like this… it felt incredibly pushy. Never had I known a Church leader to be so intrusive and seemingly desperate to get someone to come to their services. This sort of behavior was like a step-by-step guide to get me running.

At the moment I read the text, I sighed and thought “there’s no way I’m going to an 8a.m. book study with a bunch of older men I don’t know”. I’m rarely an impulsive person, and when I am I like it to be my decision. If I had a plan to spend a day doing something solo and someone extends an invitation to do something with them, my internal CPU crashes. The pie chart I’ve made of time per activity needs to be redrawn. If I lose one activity, can I make it up later? If I turn them down, will I come off as rude? How do I avoid being rude? Is it more worth it in the long term to just accept the invitation? What am I going to discuss? What do I want to discuss?

So I gave my pastor a non-committal response even though I had already decided to be a no-show.

Only I wasn’t a no-show. For some reason I had this feeling that I should go and check it out. I wasn’t fond of the pressure I felt the Pastor was putting onto me, but it didn’t sit right with me to just ignore the invitation. Sure, other Churches had left a voicemail with me hoping to get me back, but this Pastor had wanted to stop by in person. It didn’t turn into the salesmanship of a practiced Jehova’s Witness. He had a brief conversation, met my family, and continued on his way. This text wasn’t merely an invitation to Church again, it was an invitation to a smaller scale study of a book. An invitation to a smaller portion of the community.

Most other Churches I’ve turned my back on have suffered from one of two problems, if not both. The first is simply being too large. The larger a Church is, the less personal it is. Trying to establish a connection becomes a trial as the entire congregation segregates itself into cliques. The sermons and music try to be as broad as possible in order to appeal to the masses.

The second problem that I often run into in Churches of all sizes is condescension. No matter what Church you enter for the first time, the Pastor will ask you if you’re saved or not. I often follow up with a confirmation as well as what and how I’ve been studying the Bible for the past few years. It seems as if most Pastors hear not a word. It’s like they don’t believe I’m truly saved for I’m not going to their Church. That I do not know what I’m talking about.

Obviously they don’t say these things outright, but it is always the feeling I get. That my words aren’t being heard. That they aren’t trying to probe my knowledge and discover how much I actually know.

My Pastor did none of these things. He committed not just my name to memory, but little details as well. I may have felt intruded upon, but what I must have detected was a sincere interest in my involvement. So, despite feeling nervous and uncertain, I woke up that Saturday morning and attended the 8a.m. book study.

“What do you think of when you hear the word ‘evangelism’?”

Well, that’s certainly a way to start.

Chances are many of you reading this – assuming any of my non-Christian readers are bothering with this column – thought the same thing I did. TV Evangelists performing their pseudo-miracles in order to dupe a hopeful audience with open wallets. I immediately thought of an outraged man standing upon a near-literal soapbox at the boardwalk, condemning his disgust for homosexuals and exclaiming their destiny for the fires of Hell. Pretty much any negative connotation for speaking of God and Christianity that exists, I thought of it.

For the next several weeks I read through and studied a book with these men – all roughly my father’s age if not older – and discussed its concept of building an evangelical Church. I learned that evangelism does not have to be a big show. In fact, it usually isn’t. Just speaking of your faith is evangelism enough.

“Oh, so that’s why he’s started this column…”

You are partially correct! Throughout this book study I was actually thinking of all the reasons I don’t want to speak about my faith, with fear being the dominant force. I’ve always been frightened that being so open about my beliefs would cause people to hate me not because of who I am, but because of what others have done in the name of my God and belief. I was afraid that assumptions would be made about where I stand politically – or if past anger and outrage of mine would be attached to it, despite my faith being a large reason why I want to push away from that anger and outrage.

Needless to say, I continued to go to that Church. That Pastor that came to my house and texted me may even be reading this, as he has gone so far as to follow me on Twitter. It must seem quite odd to him when he sees a sudden anime-based meme pop up on his feed retweeted by me! I continue to go because the Church has granted me something so few in my life have managed.

Accountability.

Now, the trouble with accountability is that it can lead to impossible standards and incredible guilt. One could argue that Christianity is all about the unattainable standards set before us. You could say it is also about the immense gratitude felt for being spared those unattainable standards. For many that are saved and study the Bible, I think there’s a constant struggle between these two. The knowledge and gratitude of being forgiven, but knowing that you must still fight against your sinful desires and be as good as possible nonetheless.

So why am I telling you all this story? Quite frankly, because I didn’t really have a plan when I sat down to put this column together. I was so preoccupied with the fear of rejection and what I wanted to do that I never really put thought into how I should do it. As a result, I have a draft sitting in my drive that I have no faith in.

True to my statement in the first column, this is a journey for me. I’m only now beginning to apply the academic, scholarly approach to the Bible that I had implemented to video games long ago. I’ve got a bunch of vague understanding of Biblical ideas, but I don’t remember nearly enough specifics nor do I understand where or how to seek for answers or scripture. I cannot cite my sources effectively, and I take things like context very important.

I wrote this piece partially as filler. I also wanted to write something that better clarifies this as a journey rather than an opportunity evangelize in a stereotypically negative fashion. I also wanted to perform a lead-in to what I wish next week’s column to be about, which is the story of the young wealthy man in Matthew 19. It’s a passage that speaks to me pretty personally right now in regards to things I love doing and what I perhaps should be doing.

I also wanted to write this for me. A confirmation that I still have a lot of work and study to do if I want to properly discuss matters of theology and the Bible. I’m hoping by writing things such as this, I can find topics and concepts to consider and elaborate on. I am not equipped to discuss matters of the Gospel for a broader audience, but I can certainly relate to how these things apply to me as an individual.

Lastly, I wanted a way to publicly reprimand myself for getting too carried away with my ambition. Yes, I want to one day be able to dissect and analyze media from a Christian perspective. However, that is quite the tightrope to walk, and it may in fact prove to be a bad idea. Right now, I will instead focus on my studies so that I might hopefully become a youth leader. This column will remain not just as a form of my own evangelism, but so that I might have another way to hold myself accountable. Any studies and articles I write will need to hold up to scrutiny, which means I need to take the research and writing seriously.

To that end, I will not be holding myself to the standard of weekly posts. I don’t know if I would be capable of putting forth quality essays if I did. I simply haven’t studied hard enough throughout my life to speak like that kind of authority, and thus have to put in the efforts of a student battling with their own ignorance.

Thank you to any who have chosen to follow me on this journey of faith.