So I originally didn’t chime into the whole “Finkeldate” fiasco. If you’re somehow living under a rock (or perhaps someplace where you have a social life), a writer for Gawker Media named Alyssa Bereznak went on a date with a world renowned Magic: The Gathering player named Jon Finkel. The article wasn’t exactly positive. In fact, the entire tone of it was like Alyssa was sitting with her girlfriends at a local StarBucks going “And, get this, he was a Magic player! I was like ‘Oh! Mah GAWD!’”

Considering this is the Internet, response was less than positive. It was negative! While the male audience was perhaps loudest in their hatred, I felt all that needed to be said was said by Susan Arendt over at The Escapist. Situation handled, nothing to add, case closed.

Then a man named Geordie Tait addresses the issue…but in defense of Alyssa.

This post is not a disagreement to Geordie Tait. It is not an attack or defense of Alyssa, either. But a topic that was previously simple and case-closed has just blossomed in my mind to a much more complicated topic. One that I do not believe can ever be solved or concluded. Why? Because now we’re entering sociology, a field that is both scientific and abstract. Despite only having a glancing education in the topic, I do find an interest in discussing human behaviors. At the very least it allows me to understand my own better.

The things I discuss in the following blog entry are not to be taken as my belief in fact. I look at it as a bunch of friends sitting around a table, throwing ideas and thoughts out there, and all are willing to be wrong and adjust their perspectives. It’s more of a thinking and learning exercise, rather than making a solid point. It may sound as if I’m trying to prove people wrong or trying to win an argument or what not, but that is not my intention. So please, sit back, and feel free to join in on the discussion in a civil manner.

What Geordie Tait ends up discussing actually goes much deeper than the geek world. In fact, he touches on it slightly in part 7, “Fear”.

To fully discuss this entire situation, how it exploded as it did and why men have been reacting so negatively, you have to dive into discussions of natural male and female instinct. This is a touchy subject altogether, as some assertions may sound derogatory. Human beings are not the only creature on Earth where males have a nasty habit of being dominant in a lot of ways. If you suggest that it is the primal instinct of men to be dominant and women to be submissive, you step into all kinds of nasty territory that can make people angry. If you’re lucky, someone will point out societies in the animal kingdom (or even in human cultures) that follow a female dominated lifestyle instead. Ultimately, all we can really do is guess what causes what based on questions and observation.

The reason I bring all this up, of course, is because Geordie is singling out gamers, geeks and nerds. The assumption is that the tech industries or other typically nerdy realms of interest are more oppressive towards the female participant than elsewhere. At least, that’s how he presents himself, and thus apologizes to his potential-future-daughter.

I’m not justifying anyone’s actions, but this goes much further than our little herd o’ nerds. The film industry is a melting pot of personality types, and while one can argue that to write or direct a film you have to be just a little bit nerd, I’d have to disagree. After all, there are a ton of films and television shows that continue to misrepresent nerds and geeks. This is because, well, the film industry is so huge that it takes all sorts of personalities.

There are some things that remain consistent, however, and that is the typical white male protagonist saving the day. After Kathryn Bigelow won the Oscar for The Hurt Locker, there were people bitching about it only being because she was a woman. I also remember a lot of people claiming many of the awards for Precious at that time were due to pandering to the Black audience and trying to avoid political incorrectness. Anyone remember the outrage that Idris Elba, a black man, was cast as Heimdal, a traditionally white Nordic God, in Thor?

I think I understand why Geordie feels as if this problem is closer to home, however. I’ve had that geeky background myself, and a lot of assumptions get made when you grow up with a handful of friends. I remember hitting middle or high school, being shocked at how intelligent geeks could be so preoccupied with sex. Isn’t that something stupid jocks obsess over? Wait, you mean to tell me geeks are getting drunk? I thought that was just something stupid people did!

I know in my experience, and seemingly of Geordie’s as he has grown older, you build a sort of mentality that other geeks are going to be just like you. The harsh reality is that geeks and nerds are just like people, and perhaps worst of all so are you. If you’re lucky, you have a humble enough attitude to try and see your faults and change over time (but, naturally, I am so enlightened and thus somehow superior to others and blah blah, yatta yatta, superiority complex and so on).

So I agree with Geordie Tait. But I wouldn’t be apologizing to his potential-future-daughter for geek culture, I’d be apologizing for the world. When closed-minded behavior is so widespread, well, how can you hope to change it? I’m enough of a cynic to believe I cannot. Not on a global scale, at least.

Yet I wish to address another point. The only aspect of Geordie’s article I take issue with happens to be his seemingly complete forgiveness of Alyssa. Maybe there’s a bitter geek in me as well, but I cannot completely excuse her actions as being fine or understandable.

My issue is that he is assuming that Alyssa’s decision not to date Jon Finkel is responsible and founded on foresight. Or he is giving her the benefit of the doubt, at least. I do no such thing, because the level of maturity required to measure interests in that manner was not present in her article. Her article was, indeed, mocking. She not only comes off as being incredibly immature, but there are several key points that just dig under my skin.

• This is a “horror” story to her. She links an article of “horrible dating stories” to drive it home. Yet when I think of horrible or horrifying dating stories, well, the first that comes to mind is the first article of Endo’s Game on The Escapist where it ended with Tom Endo being roofied and robbed. Yet his outlook is actually a positive one at the end! The man was robbed and could have even been murdered, yet he ends the article with “I hope she had the most fun playing me” as opposed to her other targets. Other things that come to mind when I imagine a horrible date? A man taking you down to his bunker for when the Commies attack, showing you all the different supplies and guns he has stored, and then forcing you through a dozen separate drills for different war scenarios. That’s a horrifying date. Or perhaps we could take some inspiration from Dollhouse, where a nice outdoors camping trip in one episode turns into The Most Dangerous Game
  
• She faults him for trying to be different. Any guy can come up with dinner and a movie, but he tried to introduce her to a one-man-show based on Jeffrey Dahmer’s life story. Romantic? Maybe not, but it’s memorable. He’s clearly putting some effort forward instead of “what’s the bare minimum I can put forward to get into this woman’s pants?” She doesn’t mention wanting a typical date in the article, but it still comes off to me as the common gamer mantra. “We want something different! But unless it’s Call of Duty or Final Fantasy we’re gonna ignore it! And Nintendo abandoned us gamers by not making more Gears of Halos: Call of War!” The tone she has of “sharing goat cheese” also sounds snide and insulting, as if goat cheese is gross. I wonder if they simply referred to it by it’s French name of chèvre she’d have been much more open toward it?
  
• She has problems with him trying to get a date with another girl. Now, I do believe in monogamy, but Jon was doing what a lot of folks do, especially in online dating. He was testing the waters and trying to find a girl that he happened to have a spark with. This is something adults do, especially on a site like OkCupid where an honest attempt at a message could go ignored for who knows what reason. That the other woman happened to also work at Gawker was merely coincidence. He wasn’t trying to be a player, and judging by the story I’m sure he wasn’t just trying to have sex with as many women as possible.

In the end, the entire article comes off like a high school girl picking on every little thing with a guy that’s doing absolutely nothing wrong. According to her story, he didn’t even bring up being the World Champion at Magic as if he were somehow superior for it. This point is what really strikes me, as her sudden reaction just sounds so insulting to a guy being honest with her.

My problem is just immaturity. This is a woman who is being childish over what sounds like a good date. If the two of them had no spark, that’s fine. I don’t think that was the case here, though. I think she just harped on one topic and brought all kinds of baggage to the table for it.

But!

This is not exclusive to Alyssa Bereznak.

If I see a woman I think is attractive, all physical or mental attraction is killed the second she puts a cigarette to her lips. I tend to ignore women that seem “too MTV” or talk a certain way. I dismiss women whose favorite books are Twilight. I pay no attention to women whose favorite music is trashy club dance techno as opposed to classic rock or 80’s metal.

Or rather, these things are my initial reaction. Why? Because we all have baggage up in our heads. My eyes are drawn to this sort of woman instead of this sort because of assumptions I make in my head about that sort of person.

So I don’t fault Alyssa for making assumptions about a Magic: The Gathering player. However! If a Christian video gamer can try dating a Wiccan that doesn’t play video games, then certainly a writer for Gawker can try dating a fellow that plays Magic: The Gathering for a living. We can’t fight having assumptions and baggage of past experiences or what society has told us to feel or think, but we can at least always have an open mind and give the individual before us a chance.

This goes for the same audience Geordie Tait was speaking to. None of us no Alyssa personally. At least, none of the vocal commentators to the article. The only person that really had that sort of contact was Jon Finkel, and he basically shrugged it off and said “Ah, she’s a nice person anyway”. Clearly there is more to her than the seemingly immature woman that posted this article online (seemingly without thinking to well about it), just as there is more to Jon Finkel than a guy that plays Magic: The Gathering an awful lot.

Remember how, earlier on, I stated that I don’t believe you can change the world on a global scale? That’s because what matters is how we treat individual people. I can’t change a group of women, but I imagine Alyssa Bereznak would have possibly gained much more if civil people gave counter-points instead of making a villain out of her (which I sort of did in my own counter-arguments, apologies). Maybe we’d be able to learn more about her if we asked why she felt it was such a bad thing, as she never really divulged on those details.

Of course, it is too late now and the damage is done. Even if Alyssa tried to justify her actions, everyone would be preparing to counter-argue every point made. For that, I feel kind of sorry for her. After all, we’ve all made mistakes and said stupid stuff on the Internet. Don’t we all want that same forgiveness and second chance?