Sometimes I feel like it’s just video game writers that have no clue how to write a woman, but then this whole Wonder Woman television show comes along and let’s me know that it’s a problem across all entertainment media. For some reason the female gender is this curious breed of creature that no one knows how to write. You either have the “strong and independent” woman that is just a total cold-hearted bitch, or the completely dependent woman who is just there to fall in love with the protagonist (or perhaps the entire point of the show is her inability to be in a functioning one).

Enter David E. Kelly, the bastard that made Ally McBeal, one of the most mind-numbing television shows of the 90’s. In fact, it’s only contribution to the human race was as a parody on Futurama. Now he is wreaking havoc upon Wonder Woman.

Now, I will confess to you that I do not really know much about the character of Wonder Woman, nor have I ever really cared. In fact, I kind of like her new costume, which is currently universally hated by fans everywhere. All I know about Wonder Woman comes from MovieBob.

Yet I am a proponent of geek culture going mainstream. At least, good geek culture. So David E. Kelly choosing to sink his filthy ravenous claws into the Wonder Woman franchise is painful. In an effort to keep her “modern”, Wonder Woman now has to identities. The first is as her super heroine self, the second as a powerful CEO that owns her own company. This sort of thing can be done. It’s Batman, but with a woman and her identity not-so-secret. Yet that’s not enough…

It’s a slightly goofy comedy-drama about a hotshot business woman who moonlights as a superheroine, packed with Girl Power pop-songs and including the awkward phrase “You go, girl”...When she’s Diana Prince she’s a mousey Miley Stewart, when she’s Diana Themiscyra she’s the Hanna Montana of businesswomen, and when she’s Wonder Woman she’s Wonder Woman – which is precisely twice in the whole episode…Puts on her PJs for an ice-cream filled sleepover with best friend Myndi…As Buffy-inspired as this script no doubt was, Joss Whedon it ain’t. Can you imagine Whedon having an action scene play out to Beyonce’s Single Ladies? - Bleeding Cool

I don’t know if it’s me as a geek speaking, or maybe it’s me as a guy, but my concept of a protagonist is someone that I can relate to but is also not a regular person. I’m not just speaking in terms of flaws, I mean in terms of wanting to be better than other people. Or perhaps just a severely different world view. A character like House, for example, is a complete asshole, but because he is an extremely smart and clever person he is still amusing and his personality grabs us. We don’t love the character because of how similar he is (though he certainly says a lot that we wish we could say if we only had the courage to be so tactless), we love him because of how different he is.

Yet it seems the opposite goes for anything centered towards female entertainment, or creating female characters. Why does Wonder Woman have to listen to pop songs? In fact, why do we want her to listen to pop songs? By giving her the traits of all the teenage and College girls that proved to have no substance and thus no respect, you just guarantee that the character will also receive no respect. Wonder Woman is a super hero. Having to deal with emotions like love and friendships is given a completely different meaning than in the life of the average Joe and Jane. In fact, it is what makes super heroes so interesting. It’s not the super powers, it is how those abilities affect their lives.

From the script, it sounds as if we’re imagining if Legally Blonde went and gained the power of flight, with the occasional crime fighting to be done.

Now, most recently, comes an audition tape for the show, highlighting a scene where Wonder Woman, as CEO, is looking over action figures depicting her “iconic” costume and, most of all, the proportion of the breasts.

What really startles me about the scene is how they discuss the problem. Wonder Woman is meant to be a business woman in this show, and thus I’d expect a professional business woman to analyze the toys based on competitors and the market. Cite a backlash against a competing toy company that was accused of creating a poor image for young girls growing up. Y’know, something that has actually happened with the Barbie dolls. Discuss how the outfit might do in focus groups amongst parents and children. Business stuff.

Instead, most of the time is spent by Wonder Woman herself claiming “she wished she had such large breasts” and whining that when people saw her they’d be thinking more about how the action figure misled them as to her cup size. That is most of the scene.

That is not what a super heroine should be, let alone a CEO. Hell, let’s think of this as a super heroine. Wouldn’t larger breasts make combat difficult? Wouldn’t they have a tendency to interfere? Not to mention constant back problems and all that. Why wouldn’t a super heroine and business woman bring such concerns up? Instead, it’s a complete self-esteem issue as you might here the average air-headed mall girl complain to her friends as they visit the Victoria’s Secret, discussing who they want to ask them to the prom.

This pilot for David E. Kelly’s Wonder Woman should be offensive to everyone. Geeks and comic fans should be offended that one of their iconic characters (one for feminism, in fact) is being bastardized into a party girl that just so happens to deflect bullets and run a company. Women should be offended that they are pigeon-holed into cheesy-pop music fans that want to have ice cream sleep overs while they fawn over boys.

But this sort of stuff does tend to sell. Maybe not this precise variation, but I’ve seen a greater share of online profiles that list films like the aforementioned Legally Blonde as a favorite film. Either people are stupid, or I have a complete misunderstanding of the female mind and feminism is the greatest waste of time ever. Either way, it depresses me.