Ramblings Archive
Ramblings are articles that cover far less specific criteria than the other categories. Ranging from thoughts regarding the gaming industry as a whole, music, or my personal life, Ramblings is perhaps the most versatile and vague collection of essays put together.
In response to a recent video by Bellular News, I try to examine why certain rewards systems are received more positively than others.
YouTube channel Bellular News released a video this week wherein they discussed research performed regarding how video games of a certain type impact one’s mental health. Specifically, they wanted to target how “intrinsic” goals impacted players versus “extrinsic”, and therefore chose a wide selection of titles that had a series of motivators to try and encourage players to engage regularly.
To better summarize: how do live-service and similar models impact mental health?
I may find the thumbnails and titles of Bellular News videos to be unfortunate victims to YouTube algorithm manipulation, but the content is typically substantial and of great interest to me. As an independent development studio themselves, I find their insight can often be more enlightening than your average hobbyist industry commentator on the platform. In this instance, however, I feel as if they didn’t really dig in deeply enough. It makes sense that “intrinsic” goals – objectives that the player internally desires and yearns to work towards – are far more rewarding than “extrinsic” – assigned goals by the game in order to feed a progression loop. It somewhat makes sense that players that log in out of obligation would feel no sense of satisfaction or enjoyment, sometimes feeling worse for having played, than those that sign onto a game out of their own compulsion.
The problem is that there isn’t a close enough examination on how different rewards systems exploit the player rather than… well, reward them. It’s easy to try and paint battle passes and seasonal activities in a negative light due to their pressuring players with the fear of missing out; skins, cosmetics, or even activities are only active during this limited time, so you’d better log in if you’d like to earn them! However, this runs the risk of throwing the baby out with the bath water.
So, let’s consider these rewards systems a little bit more deeply and how some games may shift from intrinsic desire to extrinsic over time.
David Kushner compiles the founding of an upstart, rebellious company, creation of one of the most influential games of all time, and collapse of a years-long friendship in a fascinating and enjoyable read.
I was still in elementary school when I was first exposed to Doom. It was through no ingenuity or knowledge of my own that I came to witness it, but that of my high-school aged older brother. I had descended down the basement where our not-so-great computer was kept, my father believing such a machine need only be powerful enough to run Microsoft Office (a philosophy he maintains to this day). I don’t know which of his friends my brother had gotten the floppy disk from, or if he had found it on his own somehow else, but he had installed the game and been playing it that afternoon. Upon seeing me walk down the steps, around our father’s drum set and towards the cold corner in which the computer was kept in our unfurnished basement, he had reset the title so that I could give it a try from the beginning.
Of course, he then hurried upstairs, grinning that smarmy grin of his as he left me by my lonesome. I decided to start the game up, already disturbed somewhat by the Hellish imagery that would look cartoonish and absurd by modern standards. I don’t know if it was due to the lack of such state-of-the-art technology as a CD-ROM or some other crucial piece of missing hardware – were there even sound cards back then? – but none of the game’s headbanging thrash MIDI played. Instead, the Mars base was completely silent save for the cackling of demons in the next room, hurling fireballs in my direction.
Rather than being pumped up and ready to deliver hot lead into soft demon tissue, I got frightened, shut the game down, and sprinted out of our already creepy basement and up to my brother. I recall he was surprised to see me upstairs so quickly, but he was also amused that I got so unnerved by it. It was as if he had predicted my terrified response, which is why he was so glad to leave me down there alone in the first place.
I had no idea this creepy game was about to become one of the biggest PC releases ever, nor that it was giving birth to a whole new genre, or that its developers, John Carmack and John Romero, were changing the nature of game development forever. Now, almost twenty years since the book was published, I’ve been given a fresh and impressive new perspective from Masters of Doom.
A look back at the first six months of 2022 and what I think of the games I've played, the games to come, and how I've been doing as a "content creator".
Once upon a time, when I was a member of forums and had a community I felt at home with (sort of), I enjoyed creating or participating in mid-year review discussions and evaluations as June gave way to July. By then E3 would be over, many of us would have had an opportunity to catch up on some older titles we fell behind on, and the releases ahead would be etched more clearly in stone and intimidating for our wallets.
Now that I am no longer a part of a forum and am looking to plaster some content onto this blog while I prepare more interesting works, I figured it’s as good a time as any to look back on what I’ve enjoyed most this year, what’s looming ahead, and how I’m generally feeling as a content creator. It might be a bit of a long read, but hopefully it’s varied and interesting enough to keep your attention.
This year has been a rather interesting one, so let’s waste no time in kicking things off.
A look back at what made the E3 of old feel special, and why that feeling cannot reasonably be captured again.
I am not reacting to the recently reiterated promise by the ESA that E3 shall resume in 2023. I am sure they will be holding an event that bears the name of E3 while Geoff Keighley and so many other companies continue to do their own thing. Last year, I spent many words lamenting the current state of E3, what it has evolved into, and what it has failed to evolve into. I also concluded that it was the Internet that had driven it to change both for better and for worse.
Despite knowing that Keighley’s Summer Game Fest was still going to occur this year and many other presentations would be happening, I had failed to muster the same type of excitement I had last May. Now that we’re approaching, there’s some degree of hype and anticipation. On the whole, however, I’m not really expecting much.
I couldn’t really put my hand on why until YouTube had suddenly recommended me this look back at E3’s 2004 showfloor. I was specifically seeking out one of Valve’s Half-Life 2 presentations when it popped up, and it led me to reliving the highlights of the 2004 press conferences of Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo. I was suddenly back in my College dorm room, just a couple weeks out from summer break, watching low-resolution videos and clips from the conferences over and over again in excitement.
We’ve theoretically come a long way since the early 2000’s in terms of video streaming and access to information. In fact, if you look at the Summer Game Fest schedule, we’ve never had such access to so many streams and presentations at once. There’s bound to be announcement after announcement after announcement, a veritable media blitz for the gaming consumer to drown in.
So why is it that I long for the days of low-resolution video and requiring three or four separate media players in order to watch a two minute clip that took thirty minutes to download?
A contemplation on the nature of heroes and villains, what we, the audience, connect to in each, and what we also aspire to.
Every so often YouTube recommends the latest Film Courage video featuring Chris Gore, co-founder of Film Threat, to me. I have generally enjoyed his takes on movies on that channel, though this latest video on the popularity of villains felt limited to me. I think the topic of why people are drawn to both heroes and villains is a fascinating one, and often for different reasons or impulses.
Simultaneously, I’ve also felt that the obsession with villains has avalanched from the late eighties and into the nineties, culminating in massive corporations like Disney not only trying to reinvent many of their classic antagonists, but creating a young-adult dramedy franchise with the villainous progeny.
Perhaps the best way to perceive the obsessive counter-cultural identity of the early-to-mid 90’s was not through the rise and fall of Grunge Rock, nor the release of recontextualizing novels such as Wicked. Instead we need only look at the career of Tim Burton, a man whose entire filmography centers on the misunderstood misfit and the awful and imposing values of traditional Americana. While Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and Beetlejuice would put him on the pop culture radar, it was Batman in 1989 that really captured Tim Burton’s fascination with the outcast by focusing more time on the villainous Joker, interpreted excellently by Jack Nicholson. Films such as Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks!, and The Nightmare Before Christmas would solidify not only Tim Burton’s trademark preference for villainous – or at least villainous looking – characters than what society considered pretty and prim, but it would also embody a lot of the tone of the 1990’s.
Which is why it is fitting the new Millennium begins with his awful and embarrassing take on The Planet of the Apes, but that is a digression for another day.
Decisions regarding the future of my content as a hobby going forward... again. Look, this is the last time, I promise... I hope.
It would seem I have the memory of a goldfish. I also suffer the incessant desire to speak too openly about myself no matter how concretely I swear I will do no such thing. What can I say? I’m a Millennial, and in my foolish youth I discovered the Blurty blog platform. “Over-sharing” has long since been embedded in my thought processes as a habit. While I have broken free of the shackles of social media, it has not yet quenched the fire of spitting out my introspective thoughts and hand wringing over things. What things? Many things.
When this habit combines with the goldfish memory it turns into the inevitable sensation that I’m about to repeat myself. Digging into this past year’s archive of blog posts reveals that, yes, I’ve already verbalized my thoughts regarding the content of this blog,and would rather leave my waste of words and time regarding behavior on stream in the rubbish bin of memory. The older I get in years, the more I believe these sorts of posts should be left by the wayside. If they are to be discussed, it should be with trusted sources with whom I can bounce my thoughts towards in private.
Unfortunately there is something more therapeutic than therapy itself in writing things out. Perhaps because, in these moments, I am writing regarding the subject most occupying my mind. In fact, this is a subject that’s been flitting about my brain pan for over a year now, whispering a truth that I’ve long wanted to ignore. A single idea that threatens to shatter any sense of value attached to not only my hobby, but the time spent thinking about it.
The honest truth is that I don’t want to make YouTube videos anymore. Or rather, I don’t want to keep making full-blown deep-dive analytical videos of video games anymore.
Is it another impulsive mistake to discuss why writing about my faith may have been an impulsive mistake? Maybe I'll make another impulsive mistake about writing about things that are impulsive mistakes.
It always feels strange opening a blog entry up with “if you’ve been following me for a while”. From what I can gather, the only folks following this blog long enough to know my personality and biases are also probably friends with me in real life. Even if that friendship exists in the digital realm and not through physical, meatspace shenanigans, it is an ongoing connection and friendship that is “real” in all meaningful senses of the term. As such, anyone reading this blog likely already knows me well enough that no explanation or prelude is necessary.
Nonetheless, I feel it necessary to remind the audience – that would be you reading this – that I once began a “Sunday Studies” column upon this blog. While I’ve pretty much been Christian or Christian-adjacent my whole life, I only started “taking it seriously” a few years ago. It was then that I not only felt compelled to tone down on foul language or try to exhibit a more positive, loving behavior, but I was feeling driven to do more with my life and talents than discuss video games.
This process did not last for a multitude of reasons. The most obvious is that I have been incapable of consistently writing or updating content in any form. Either I get easily distracted by trying to play, watch, or read too many things, or I succumb to the depths of depression and self-doubt and so on and so forth. Fortunately, the latter hasn’t been much of a problem as of late, but even as I have steadily become more and more willing or capable to discuss games, anime, or film, I’ve failed to return to blogging about my faith.
While this began as a lack of confidence in what to say, it has become a confident decision to keep this blog focused on the analysis and discussion of games, their design, and occasionally diving into anime and film.
A whole bunch of questions without answers regarding the identity of this sound and light show called Electronic Entertainment Expo.
In my childhood, as soon as Thanksgiving were over – and sometimes before it had even arrived – I would begin counting down the days until Christmas. I was unable to contain my excitement, each day at school feeling like slow torture as the seconds seemed to take minutes to tick away. I would frequently sneak into my parent’s bedroom, seeking out the poorly hidden shopping bags full of presents to catch a glimpse of what I might be receiving that year.
Such excitement and anticipation is increasingly rare in my adult life, save for one single, annual event: E3. If I’m lucky, the interactive electronics expo occurs in tandem with my birthday, allowing me to perceive the celebration of marketing and consumerism as a gift packaged especially for myself. More often than not, I care less for birthday cake, dinners, or presents as all of my eager attention is drawn towards the industry’s biggest event of the year.
Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say it was the biggest gaming event of the year. There’s a lot of pundits and Reddit regulars and social media commentators that are blaming the past two years of lackluster announcements on Covid, but I think there was a general sense of deterioration well before the pandemic. Speaking anecdotally, I recall taking a week off of work in 2017 to sit in front of my television uninterrupted, absorbing any and all gaming streams I could. It was that year that I noticed a pattern developing with each E3: I’d feel disappointed and let down until Nintendo took the figurative center stage, concluding the major press conferences with a Direct and three days of live gameplay demonstrations.
At first I attributed this disappointment in all other companies to be the result of exhaustion and disconnection from the AAA gaming machine. While I think there is a modicum of truth to this, I also believe I was unable to discern the growing transformation of E3. It was no longer the gaming event of the year; it was now the first of many. Publishers stopped revealing their hand on stage long ago, saving many of their cards for later events like Paris Games Week, SXSW (South by Southwest), San Diego Comic-Con, Gamescom, and Tokyo Games Show. A reveal trailer may be shown at E3, but the development studio and publisher would likely be drip feeding more information throughout select expositions as the summer progressed. A carefully managed and distributed hype supply.
If E3 is anything, I think it is a habit. A habit of what, however? For whom is it a habit? Of that I am not sure.
Guess I'll just write a whole lot of words regarding three specific companies at E3 this year.
I wasn’t really planning to do any sort of write-up regarding the specific conferences themselves, instead saving those thoughts for the podcast or a surprise Twitch stream with Joey and Zack around 8pm ET on Monday, June 21st. I do have a general E3 essay incoming, but it’s more a series of questions and considerations regarding the exposition’s purpose and why it feels so underwhelming compared to years past. There are no real answers to be found, but it’s a thought exercise I yearned to spill out onto the world anyway.
This morning I discovered that Shamus has pointed people over this way for potential discussion on Capcom and Nintendo’s events, capturing me completely unaware. Grateful, though! It just wasn’t something I was planning on.
While it is likely too late to capitalize on the spotlight shown my way, I figured I might as well go ahead and provide what has been advertised. With my own little spin, of course. There’s plenty to discuss regarding Capcom and Square Enix’s reveals, and much speculation to be had regarding Nintendo. Forgive any typos, grammatical errors, strange phrases or weak wordings, as this will be a “one draft” item. I’ve not done one draft in a long time, but what can be done under such short notice?
That all said, let’s get to it.
For the first time in a while, I'm actually excited to see what Microsoft brings to the table at this year's E3.
Despite having been removed from the constant snark of social media for some time now, I cannot help but feel cynical and sarcastic during most consumer-oriented gaming events. Be it the Video Game Awards or E3 press conferences of years past, I find my face buried in my hand during some overpriced performance engineered to desperately generate excitement in the crowd in the most embarrassing fashion possible. At best, half of the game announcements in any presentation put on by the likes of EA, Ubisoft, Microsoft, and Sony are not only of complete disinterest to me, but poking at my disdain for AAA gaming trends.
Yet I, like many other Millennials whose primary caretaker was the television and game consoles of their youth, have taken mass media consumption up as a hobby, decorated with pompous and pretentious over-thinking disguised as intellectual analysis and study. In a world where leisurely entertainment can be considered a hobby, the bread and circuses equivalency becomes not the media itself, but the announcement and promise of even more media in the future. Chasing the ever elusive feeling of happiness, it is a rapturous spell that events like E3 promise, allowing us to salivate over and dream of the games that are to come.
This year, I must confess to an additional interest: the potential future movements of Microsoft in the wake of Sony’s apparent shift in priorities. Though it is nowhere near as great as the hubris the company possessed when entering the seventh generation of consoles with the PlayStation 3, I feel Sony is sitting far too comfortably atop their current gaming throne. We don’t have concrete sales data to suggest either side is “winning”, and such sales data is unreliable as all corporations are running on limited supply due to Covid-related restrictions. All we know is that both systems regularly sell out swiftly any time they are back in stock. One could perceive, then, that now is the time for Microsoft to strike.
However, as many are already aware, Microsoft isn’t aiming to bring players to their next-gen consoles. Not exclusively, at least.
No matter the hobby, I cannot help but sit, ponder, and spend way too much time thinking about how to improve myself at it.
I learned a valuable lesson during this Monday’s stream: don’t try to discuss overly serious stuff while broadcasting.
Nothing personal, mind. I at least have enough sense not to discuss such matters as my family or overly detailed updates on my medical conditions. Nonetheless, self-consciously reflecting on doubts regarding one’s value as an entertainer is, well, not entertaining. Even if there were a worthwhile conversation to be had regarding what it takes or means to be entertaining while playing a game, it is unlikely to come about while driven not by a crisis of confidence instead of intellectual curiosity. In addition to the attempt to carry a discussion with oneself live on stream, the required concentration and constant interruptions of playing a game at the same time are bound to result in one awkward stream. The end result is a video-on-demand that you’re eager to see expire and vanish in the abyss of Twitch’s hungry maw.
Which is why I now transfer such thoughts to the blog, where I can more effectively focus my thoughts and how they are expressed. This is not, after all, the only thing I’ve pondered about myself while streaming. It is only the latest in a long line of observations and questions I’ve made of myself in this recent endeavor. The tone at which I speak, the manner in which I address friends and viewers, how I discuss the game I’m playing and its design elements; these are all factors I’ve pondered lately in terms of what makes an engaging, quality stream.
Curiously enough, it does not begin with Twitch itself, but the closing of my Facebook account.
Months, or perhaps even a few years, of struggling to enjoy writing again has led me to contemplate what is getting in my own way.
I suffer the bad habit of introspection and over-thinking. Simply asking “what is a blog for?” releases a mental floodgate consisting of philosophical statements and further questions. The end result is a river with endless forks and paths of consideration rather than a solid answer. Soon enough, I’ve spent so much time contemplating this simple statement that I’ve lost track of the original purpose of the question. Or, worse, I start to ponder if there may be some other innate question, left silent and buried, that I’m actually striving to answer and perhaps fearing the answer to.
It’s a real pain in the butt, a bad habit far more problematic than that of biting one’s own nails.
What I mean to ask is not necessarily what the concept of a blog is for, but specifically what my blog is for in the wake of my other methods of creative output. Or rather, supposed creative output. These days the only thing I seem adept at creating are podcasts and Twitch streams.
The real storm within my mind is that of writing. Be it a script or an essay for the website, I’ve felt little motivation or inspiration to sit down and jot words onto a blank document. I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a figurative pile of drafts stored on my drive, words that have never seen the eyes of another. I desperately wish to write, but I’ve never been happy with anything that I’ve produced.
I mentioned that bad habit of introspection and over-thinking. The truth is, this introspection did not begin with wondering what my blog was for. It began with wondering why I was struggling to enjoy writing again. I think, finally, I’ve got something of an answer, but only after evaluating the past several years of my efforts to blog and create video essays while working a full-time job.
It was a busy month as I worked on job hunting, prepping the next video, and just overall trying to get my mental health in order.
When I first began to redesign the website, stepping away from the “GamerTagged” domain and into a more consistent RamblePak “branding”, I decided to try and do regular monthly reports as personal encouragement and accountability regarding productivity. I had not only wanted to be transparent, but to also help explain my progress towards the next video.
These updates instead became yet another method for me to feel inadequate, measuring myself up to impossible standards I’d impose on no one else. Nevertheless, there is something appealing about the “monthly report” concept. So many of my drafts sit incomplete either due to my own high expectations, or due to all of the different projects occupying my free time. By giving myself a regular monthly update to provide, it not only allows me an opportunity to keep the blog somewhat active, it also affords me the opportunity to enjoy writing without the stress. In other words, better to treat it as an opportunity to enjoy a hobby than another way to self-flagellate.
So once more I’ll be attempting to conclude each month with a summary of what I’ve been working on as well as media I’ve enjoyed that don’t necessarily warrant their own posts.
Of course, we might as well start August with one of the most time consuming necessities of my personal life: getting back to basics with JavaScript while job hunting.
Every so often you need to step back and remember what made your hobby fun in the first place.
A heavy weight of guilt hung from my heart as the sun began its descent yesterday afternoon. Though I had taken the day off precisely so I might recover from the immense energy expenditure that is MAGFest weekend, I still felt as if I had owed something of productivity. I felt compelled to pluck at the thoughts swimming about my mind hazily, sculpting them into something more recognizable as an idea to present in essay form. To sit down and try to edit my next video together.
Instead, my eyelids drooped heavily over my eyes as sleep threatened to overtake me. I forgot for a moment that I had put my clothing into the laundry machine. Basic sentences required effort to string together. Aside from a brief sojourn into Pokémon Shield that morning, I could not even muster the energy required to power up a system and think about objectives, inventories, or tactics.
I finally succumbed to my body’s need to rest and laid down, watching way too many recorded episodes of AEW to catch up on. I probably should have gone to bed earlier, or taken a nap in the afternoon. I needed to recuperate from the late nights, long walks, extended conversations, energetic singing, and hollering. Instead, I went to bed trying to fight off this deep sense of wasted time.
I learned a lot of things at MAGFest this year, but what I really needed was a reminder.
Examining the news that the Switch port of Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE will retain its Western changes even in Japan.
One of my favorite pieces written for GamersWithJobs was Idol Fantasy. It is a critique of Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE and its adherence to the often damaging fantasy that the pop idol lives altruistically for the fans. Shy and conservative Tsubasa is frequently stripped down into more sexy outfits despite the innocent naivety of her personality being a selling point. More and more the different producers, photographers, and directors of the show insist that who she is isn’t good enough, fighting tooth and claw to transform her into an entirely different identity.
She is a contrast to Kiria, the experienced pop idol that is dedicated to the image of “cool” that her fans and the industry expect of her. As a result, she is embarrassed to express any of her love of “cute” things for fear of damaging this constructed and maintained image. Each singer is, in some way, representative of a cultural pressure cooker where these girls must deny themselves for the sake of a fandom. An audience that doesn’t want them, but a superimposed idealization of who they ought to be in their eyes.
The game does not challenge its audience. It instead feeds into the fantasy these carefully crafted careers are trying to feed. Nevertheless, this isn’t about the game’s thematic potential or shortcomings. It is about the game’s modifications for the West and the mixed feelings I have of said “censorship”. I supported some of the changes for the manner in which they actually strengthened the narrative. I simultaneously decried other changes for reducing the intended impact. These conflicted feelings are now rising to the surface once more as the Switch port of Tokyo Mirage Sessions will include all the Western adjustments and censorship, even in Japan.
